… Is just one thing that happened in my dream last night!
I am fascinated by dreams and the extent to which they connect back to our actual psychology and memories — I believe that most dreams are random, aligned with the ‘activation-synthesis hypothesis’ which is a hypothesis I just learned by googling ‘dreams random or connected’ and that’s what came up.
That said, my most common dream type is very realistic — my mom is mad at me for not doing the dishes, I set a new personal best in the 200 butterfly, I cooked beef stew. Or like last night, my former college swim teammate confronted me!
In my dream, this person on the team (who I was not really friends with) came up to me at a club, smiling coldly, and whispered, ‘I know about the group chat.’ First of all, OMG? Can you imagine a more chilling confrontation? There’s no recent memory in real life of this person being discussed or mentioned in any group chat whatsoever, but in the dream, I had this sinking feeling that there WAS a group chat. And I was like, shit. And I said to this person, ‘I know, it’s bad, I’m sorry. There’s nothing else to say.’
And then my dream shifted and my dear friend Healy was very mad at me. And I don’t know why, but in the dream, she stormed into my apartment and left her shoes and jacket on my couch while she announced she was going to some other party in my building, and I remember being like, ‘You can’t just waltz in here and drop off your shit! This isn’t a locker room!’ and shook my fist at her. And she mouthed off to me and slammed the door behind her and you can imagine how badly I was shaking at that point…
The moment I woke up, I realized everything was just a dream, that the epic tale I had just navigated was made up. But the unsettled feeling haunted me for at least two hours as I woke up and started my day, sticking to my every fiber. I really hate when that happens! I’m so used to it, but it’ll nag at me all day, eager for my attention.
While I still think dreams are mostly random combinations of memories, half-thoughts, and fleeting fantasies (or anxieties), the visceral somatic response I have to realistic, conflict-driven dreams makes me wonder what specific foundations triggered these specific stories in my sleep.
Was it my fear of confrontation? Was it a grievance I wanted to air a year ago, but didn’t, coming back to haunt me? A lover of mine once said that EVERY dream has a direct tie to something in our minds and that these dreams are pointing to something in our psyches that needs to be addressed. I laughed him off, probably because I was terrified at the thought that his theory was accurate.
If so, I have ten trillion unsolved psychological whims and worries afoot…
QUICK SUBJECT CHANGE
How does everyone handle intense life change? Lol… I am sort of a coward vibes and like to loudly proclaim that change is good and that I embrace change. But I say these things exclusively when I feel safe and comfortable.
And when the tides of time inevitably shift, I clutch my pearls and look for a big rock to claw my way onto so I don’t get swept away.
In my head, I love big change because I think that I can anticipate it and plan for it. But big change sneaks up on you.
You’ll be looking around the corner for signs of change, tiptoeing out to get a better view of what’s coming around the bend, and then *boom* it’s RIGHT behind you, isn’t it? You swore you knew to check your rear, but you can’t look everywhere at once.
Change is always the only constant, but that’s felt especially true recently. Newness beckons, I can feel it coming closer, or maybe I’m getting closer to it. Maybe it’s not something that arrives, but rather a shore that I’m about to wash upon. Galaxy brain alert…
I know I’m changing for the better because I didn’t open my wallet for a Halloween ticketed event. Mic drop moment! Every year I spend weeks hemming and hawing about optimizing my Halloweekend for maximal fun, when all I really am after is AFFIRMING TIME WITH FRIENDS (ATWF). You get some ATWF and suddenly you’re safe, you’re special, and your cup is full.
So I don’t even really have plans tonight, which every former iteration of Karl would’ve FREAKKKKKED out about. But I’m opening my mind to spontaneity, I'm embracing the trust and faith that something enjoyable and worthwhile will present itself to me tonight, I’m freeing myself from the burden of expectation, from the ill-informed belief that if I manipulate my environment to my liking that I will be happy.
I am not alone nor lonely, and if I end up staying in tonight I will not be alone nor lonely then, nor will I be tomorrow, or the next day, or the next chapter, etc., etc.
Where am I going with all of this? Nowhere really! This newsletter has been like a forgotten toy in Toy Story, collecting dust under the bed, and I wanted to take it out for a spin. Simply put, I felt compelled to write and share, and I’m only really explaining this because the voice asking ‘why are you writing and sending this?’ is my own.
Love you and have a happy and safe Halloween!
I promise I’m not mad about the dishes! ❤️
YAY FRONTSEAT IS BACK!!!!!!
i think dreams are both completely random and also your subconscious getting a chance to speak. like i can never forget my dream from when i was 12 and selena gomez pushed me on a wheelchair to the bread store, and when i turned my head back to thank her, she had been turned into a gold statue :) but then sometimes ill have stress dreams before a big trip about very realistic things (usually losing my phone or forgetting to pack something) and that confuses things. idk i think its just your brain freestyling. like it understands and comprehends your waking reality but cant speak the language, so it comes out weird when it tries. anyway those are my thoughts. toodles!