Welcome to FRONTSEAT! This newsletter is an ongoing commentary on the inner machinations of my mind, pop culture, and maybe more, if you’re lucky. If you find yourself enjoying this, I would love it if you sent it to someone you think would, too!
BEING HOT AND FUNNY FOR HALLOWEEN - CAN HE DO IT!?
I’m extremely mentally ill in that I am paralyzed by the need to be both hot and funny (and effortless) for Halloween. And then every year I am so woefully indecisive about what to be that I end up getting a Spirit Halloween costume three days before Halloweekend and it’s just really lame and I’m *sure* I’ll change by the time next Halloween comes around, and then I never do.
But this year will be different!!! I have one costume locked and loaded and it’s not necessarily hot but it is funny maybe. I feel good about it because I’m not buying a $45 costume that comes in a plastic bag and is made out of the shittiest polyester you could ever imagine.
I still need to figure out at least one other costume, which maybe should be more of a hot one if I’m going to be somewhat funny for the other. Does anyone know of anything hot that I could be? What’s that? Someone in the back of the room just said ‘be yourself!’ Aw.
I have a few weeks to figure it out, but then I have to tackle the other impossible task of ‘what party do I go to’ that weekend. I literally have so much anxiety right now just *thinking* about it. Who is going to invite me to something? Is it going to be fun? Who all will be there… Will they care about me? I still have this after-effect fall anxiety tied to going back to high school, but that anxiety is really wrapped up in Halloween, I think because of social pressure to have fun and be hot and look good and so on and so forth. Overwhelming tbh. I just want to watch a horror movie under the covers!
There’s this really strong feeling I am having right now that what I’m writing is extremely uninteresting and just brain rot spilling out onto the page, and that’s okay. You *chose* to open this email and read this far, so we’re kind of in this together, you guys. But for real this is not good… so I’m ending this section and starting the next one lol.
EXPOSING MYSELF
Is there a rule that you shouldn’t share stuff that you talk about in therapy? If so I am about to break that rule. If that rule doesn’t exist, then I’m being normal and following the rules, which is also cool.
So… for all that I talk about having a lot of feelings and being vulnerable and honest and open about them… I actually do a great deal of work hiding the feelings that I deem shameful or not valuable. My therapist helped me discover that this week when I was explaining how I overreacted to a friend’s reasonable text, immediately going into defense mode after I felt like I was being attacked. If you know me, you may know that I often overreact to very minor things — I make snap judgments and conclusions based on small occurrences, then it quickly feels like my character is under attack, all in a span of seconds before I realize what’s going on.
It sucks!! I am working through it.
The problem isn’t so much that I overreact, though. It’s that I’m so ashamed that a small thing hurt me that I end up not saying anything to the other person about being hurt. Then, I’m frustrated or upset, even if it’s to a small degree, but I’ve internalized it. I’ve failed to say anything to the other person — how could they possibly do what I want (apologize, or acknowledge what happened, or simply see and understand me) if I haven’t communicated to them that something was hurtful? I realized how much shame I have attached to being hurt or vulnerable, so much shame, in fact, that I don’t even consider admitting it to the other person until, oftentimes, it’s too late.
It’s so silly thinking about it right now, as I’m in a state of grace (Taylor Swift vibes) as I write this and everything’s okay. But in those moments, it has always been so rote for me to immediately: 1) get upset 2) be embarrassed that I’m upset 3) let the shame wash over me, but refuse to speak up about it 4) be passive-aggressive, silent or do something outlandish or silly that’s — ultimately — far more embarrassing than if I had just said something in the first place.
My therapist pointed out something very helpful, though (a takeaway if you will) — admitting frustration, embarrassment, and hurt is incredibly humanizing. These are extremely relatable feelings. For some reason, I’ve had this idea embedded into my psyche that admitting those feelings to other people is alienating, but that is simply not true. If the roles were reversed and someone I cared about told me that I’d done something to upset them I would be like fuck!!! Let’s figure out what happened and moved forward! So basically I need to treat myself like I would someone I care about… what a concept.
Further, when I “do nothing” about it, I’m tricking myself again. Because I’m not actually “doing nothing.” Refusing to acknowledge my being hurt, refusing to open up, refusing to communicate — this is all behavior. It’s *something*! I’m actively making everything worse, giving more power to the yucky feelings and pretending not to own them, while telling myself that I’m doing nothing.
So… what now? Not sure, but I’m glad I’m becoming cognizant of it. This is all to say… you may be hearing from me more when I’ve been offended by something, and that’s okay. We will all survive! I am coming out of the closet as being a big baby, I suppose.
A SONG THAT SWADDLES ME LIKE THE INFANT I AM
DOES THE BACK-HALF OF ‘HAPPIER THAN EVER’ BY BILLIE STILL SLAP?
Yes as fuck
If you like how the song speeds up and then escalates into guitar-driven chaos, you should listen to this one.