I am entering my 29th* year. I have never felt wiser.
I have also never gone so crazy as I went during my 28th year.
I have learned the hard way (by ignoring a lesson 100 times until it crushes me with such breathtaking force that I literally cannot ignore it any longer) that in my unique little brain chemistry and personal psychology, performance breeds anxiety.
And to perform when you don’t want to perform, but feel you must, creates an anxiety that demonically surfs on a terrible wave of dread.
At the party, at the event, under the covers, on the call, in the gym or the store, on the date; I’ll set a certain requirement to perform to some arbitrary standard, which inevitably builds a pressure that crushes and constricts and crazy-makes. Mountains out of molehills, etc.
But so many things happen. Constantly. This is a famous, renowned truth of life, that things happen and keep doing so.
Some things are good, a few are great, the vast majority are mediocre and mindless and neutral nothings, some are really annoying, and some are really fucking knock-the-wind-out-of-you bad.
And all of these things happen, regardless of my ability to ‘perform’ myself, regardless of whether I think I’m winning or I think I’m losing.
So what’s the cure?
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ CURIOSITY ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yayyyyyyyy! <3 But seriously, yay.
When I feel anxious about an event coming up, I try my best to become curious about it. This, to date, is the only salve on record from the Karl Ortegon Anxiety Archives.
It’s going from “what if we’re all late and we have to give up the table?” to “I wonder where we’ll go instead if we lose the table.” From “what if I am bad at sex?” to “I wonder if I’ll feel interested and engaged in this sexual encounter.” From “what if they hate my ideas?” to “I wonder what would happen if I stood behind my ideas and let them defend themselves?”
Curiosity has helped me minimize my inflated sense of importance in a given situation. If I really am ‘suboptimal’ in a social interaction, let’s be serious: who is ever going to give much of a shit for more than 30 seconds? NOBODY BOOTS!!!!
I often scoff at self-talk and re-framing. But this… this works. Very grateful for that.
DESIRES FOR MY 29TH YEAR
Run the marathon under 3:30 in November and not injure my shins again
I want the Charli XCX album to be her best yet (I STRONGLY BELIEVE THIS WILL COME TRUE)
Figure out my personal style and build out my wardrobe more intentionally
Find my voice artistically. Start a novel or a script or a p*dcast
Get very good at tennis (mostly as a means to be hotter. It’s so hot to be good at tennis)
See the sunrise after I dance all night
Let go of friendships that don’t make sense for me. bye (with love)!
Let go of things that cause me suffering and won’t change. bye (normal)!
Get into capers (scared but brave. Curious even)
Befriend Ayo Edebiri
Write something that makes someone feel what I feel when I read an incredible book or watch a fantastic TV episode
Go to South America, Asia, Croatia randomly, go on a cruise in a very cold and mountainous ocean climate, go to this very incredible volcanic lake town in Guatemala that I’m gatekeeping but don’t google or go there before I do
Hug all of my friends and family 100,000,000,000 times
Have a best friend have a child (I am pleading)
Do shroom chocolates with Charli XCX
Time travel to 2014 and be a special guest on a Girls episode
Learn how to surf
Find a perfect Greenpoint apartment (impossible but watch me do it… maybe in the Girls episode I can make this happen?)
Go to way more events by myself
Be a Rockaway beach rat
Get on the list at impressive events… just to see
Become tired of whisky drinks so I go back to martini era
Learn piano
Become well-known for my triceps
Watch Tinashe become a global powerhouse
Drink more water
Actually take my personhood, something I’ve been cultivating for the last half-decade and working through and building into something that I’m proud of, and apply it to my everyday actions + surroundings in an enriching, exciting, and fearless manner.
<3
*I say that I’m entering my 29th year. This is true. But I want to make sure you guys are clear that this means I am *only* 28. When you are born you are in your first year, but you are not yet 1 until your 1st birthday. So please just know that I am a young 28. I am still getting the hang of things (I just learned how to drive, I had my first legal alcoholic drink very recently), I am gen Z, I don’t know what happened on 9/11 because I was not even born yet then. Thank you.
also hoping u get to meet ayo and do chocolate shrooms w charli <33333 ps south america is looking forward to having uuuu <3
now that i have a laptop we can finally actualize our p*dcast dreams...
am i the horrible new camila cabello snippet ripping off charli xcx rn? because I LUV IT I LUV IT I LUV IT I LUV IT !!!!!! <3 yaayyyy happy birthday season karla
<3 curiosity 5EVER <3